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Rudy Park

Published 2018-07-29 (Image 172980)


This just in: Theres nothing in. We here at CNM have finally realized why our ratings have been plummeting. For years, we billed ourselves as a 24-hour news channel. We gave unbiased reports on the major events of the day. But it turns out: There arent that many major events. How many minor updates can we give you on a fire that takes place at a polygamist compound, or a northeast snowstorm or a traffic snarl? We can admit this because no one is listening. The 24-hour news channels have grown desperate and giddy. Were going to one hour of news, and 23 hours of political bickering and nude juggling.

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