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Candorville

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-04 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-04 Pub. Date: 2019-09-04
Image Number: 179296
Caption: I got a left sock, a. kidney bean an' a bootleg video of … never mind. Wait … A bootleg video of what? You can't just start a sentence like that and not finish it. It's a video some brotha given' a career day speech to kids in the Monroe High auditorium. Bruh was reeeal nervous. I was not nerv -- I mean, it wasn't me. I ain't never seen nobody projectile vomit they entire lunch before.
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-08-01 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-08-01 Pub. Date: 2019-08-01
Image Number: 178784
Caption: You're on Ask Sadie. What's your problem?! Brexit. I'm old enough to remember before the European Union existed. I witnesses its creation. It was historic. But now it's falling apart and if it does, well then what I witnessed wasn't all that historic after all. Way to make it all about you. It's like it was all just one big tease.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-27 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-27 Pub. Date: 2019-05-27
Image Number: 177788
Caption: How come all your social media say you at the National Writers Society annual convention right now? You was there last week. You here now, bruh. Isn't it obvious, Clyde? I don't want burglars to know when I'm not in town. That's just paranoid, Big L. Since when is it paranoid to always time-shift my life by one week? There wasn't -- I mean, there prolly wasn't nothin' in your apartment worth stealin' no way.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-29 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-29 Pub. Date: 2019-04-29
Image Number: 177383
Caption: Lemont? How come you kept sending me straight to voicemail all weekend? It wasn't 'cause they're announcing the Pulitzer Prize winners today and I thought they might call the winners over the weekend. I wasn't hoping to win or anything. I already know I'm a good writer. I don't need external validation. You're the worst liar in the world. Is there an award for that?
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-21 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-21 Pub. Date: 2019-04-21
Image Number: 177255
Caption: My boss asked me if I'd consider getting a more professional-looking haircut. Dr. Noodle. I told him It is professional. I get it cut at Roscoe's Barbershop every two weeks. So then he said That's not what I meant. He said Think of cropping it short. So I said But Cody has longer hair than I do. So does Chad. And Bryan. And Todd. And Jack. And Spencer ... and you. So then he said he wasn't going to name names, but one of my coworkers told him my aggressive hair makes them uncomfortable. So I said to him that coworkers complaint, and you siding with them, is making me uncomfortable. What are you going to do about that? Let me guess ... He told me there was no need to be so aggressive.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-09 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-09 Pub. Date: 2019-04-09
Image Number: 177114
Caption: Remember Principal Pervee, from high school? I ran into him the other day. I'd forgotten all about that guy. Didn't he use to walk up behind you and sniff your hair? And didn't he use to rest his hands on your hips when he talked to you? Yeah. He wasn't the only man to do that, so I used to just sort of shrug it off, like it was to be expected. Back then, we didn't really see how wrong it was. Didn't you once accidentally spill a whole bag of sugar into old Pervee's gas tank?
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-07 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-07 Pub. Date: 2019-04-07
Image Number: 176834
Caption: I haven't taken a vacation in fifteen years. Wait a minute … didn't you say something about visiting Bermuda? Wasn't that just, like, a year ago? That was business. I was selling collectibles. And two years ago, didn't you say something about snorkeling off Noanoa Island? Newsweak. That was business. I was chipping off some of the last living pieced of our dying coral reefs, and selling them on the black market. If you can write it off, it's not a vacation. Didn't you just get back from Hawaii? That was business ...
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-10 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-10 Pub. Date: 2019-03-10
Image Number: 176423
Caption: First they came for Roseanne, and I said nothing because I wasn't a fan of her politics. Dr. Noodle. Then they came for Marvel director James Gunn, and I said nothing because I'm not really into superhero movies. Then, they came for Kevin Hart, and I said nothing because I'm more of a Chappelle fan. Then they came for one of my work friends, and I said nothing because, well ... maybe he brought it on himself. Then, they came for me. Not to self: Delete entire Twitter history ... and nobody said a word in my defense.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-13 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-13 Pub. Date: 2019-02-13
Image Number: 176283
Caption: Your trippin' bruh. Ancient Greek philosophers ain't responsible for slavery in America. Academics an' politicians an' slave owners used Aristotle an' Plato's words to justify they own actions. But so what? Bigots don't need justification. That's why they bigots. They'da done all that regardless. Is this about how your album was blamed for all those people who sold fake Botox shots? Sling that Buttox didn't make nobody do nothin' they wasn't already gonna do.
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-30 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-30 Pub. Date: 2019-01-30
Image Number: 176033
Caption: Yesterday at work, I said Aristotle was a moron. Someone over heard me. They told a co-worker, who told another … By the end of the day, the office was bitterly divided into a pro-Aristotle and anti-Aristotle camps. Aristotle was wrong about everything. He though men were superior to women and masters were superior to slaves. He was wrong about physics, about chemistry, about biology, about psychology, about astronomy, and about social justice. As if our country wasn't divided enough, you had to mess around and start this. I'm not sure I can even respect the pro-Aristotle people anymore.
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-13 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-13 Pub. Date: 2019-01-13
Image Number: 175590
Caption: I'm doing well in my latest Surveymonkey poll. I run polls on all my social media accounts every time I make an important decision. Like when I decide which socks to wear … which movie to stream … which cereal to eat … Today I chose Lucky Charms. A solid choice. 49% of my followers felt that was proof of sound breakfast judgment. Wait ... Doesn't that mean 51% thought it wasn't? Taking a poll is science. Reporting the results is an art. A whopping 32% felt that my sticking with an un-PC breakfast choice showed I was bold enough to be president. You just ate what everyone wished they could eat.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-04 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-04 Pub. Date: 2019-01-04
Image Number: 175660
Caption: What're you doing here, Mort? What do you mean? Shouldn't you be in DC right now? The new Congress was sworn in yesterday. I don't follow. You're missing … wait … you do know you won your election, right? I what my what? You mean that actually happened? It wasn't an Imodium-induced hallucination? The Blue Wave Congress is a motley crew.
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-01 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-01 Pub. Date: 2019-01-01
Image Number: 175657
Caption: I read your article about how 13,000 or so years ago, an apocalyptic catastrophe cause an ice age that lasted 1,000 years. The Younger Dryas cold period. And 1,000 years later, that ice age suddenly ended, maybe in a single day, causing a global flood. It would explain the sudden disappearance of a lot of megalithic civilizations ... the end of Atlantis ... all the ancient flood myths ... we may have come close to extinction. I'm just saying, there've been worse years. 2018 wasn't that bad, Lemon.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-30 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-30 Pub. Date: 2018-12-30
Image Number: 175374
Caption: Your suggestion didn't work, Susan. Thinking about baseball should have worked. Did you do it right? What do you mean? Did you think of the boring, repetitive parts? I tried. I thought about the batter swinging the bat around in the on-deck circle … The runners going around and around the diamond ... the batters swinging and almost always missing ... But instead of distracting me, it relaxed me. It wasn't boring, Susan. It was rhythmic. Baseball is a Zen-like experience that puts you into a trance. It frees the mind and makes it easier ... not harder ... for your mind to wander where you don't want it to go ... so it didn't stop me from wondering who's going to run for president in 2020. Ok, plan B: Try doing long division in your head.
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-13 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-13 Pub. Date: 2018-12-13
Image Number: 175378
Caption: Come on … You can't blame me for losing the Nat King Cole lawsuit. You're the one who sampled his voice without permission for your album. You're the on who begged me to pretend I was a voice actor you'd hired to impersonate Nat King Cole. It wasn't my idea! I tried to lip sync to that testimony you recorded for me using his voice. I really tried! When you lip sync, ain't no sound s'posed to come out your mouth, fool. You ain't s'posed to harmonize with the recording. I got nervous.
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-11-15 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-11-15 Pub. Date: 2018-11-15
Image Number: 174938
Caption: You're a journalist … You've written a bunch of novels. But have you ever thoughts of writing poetry? Not in a million years. Why not? Wait … is this about what happened in second grade? Of course not, Susan. Just because a young boy stands up in front of the entire school and does a comedy routine in iambic pentameter, and nobody laughs even once ... doesn't mean he'll be traumatized, or anything. It wasn't 'cause it was a poem, Lemont. The room was just a little too old for droll observations about Muppet culture. I've asked you to never say Muppets around me.
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-30 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-30 Pub. Date: 2018-09-30
Image Number: 174071
Caption: I read that dumb article you wrote, where you said we should have magical fairies deliver caramel-covered mountains of cash in sacks made of rainbows to every man, woman and child. Don't say anything. Don't say anything. Don't do it … don't do it. That's not all what I wrote. I wrote that we should give our war veterans better access to health care, education, and job training. If you have to explain what you wrote, then what you wrote wasn't very clear. Gah!!!
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-23 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-23 Pub. Date: 2018-09-23
Image Number: 173981
Caption: Hello, you've reached the Breakeezy warranty department. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? Hi Ryan. I called last week to tell you the water dispenser on my Breakeezy refrigerator was stuck and pouring water all over my floor. I'd just bought a $400 extended warranty a month earlier. you sent out a repairman, and he fixed it. Then he sent me a bill for $200. He said you told him the repair wasn't covered by my policy! That's right. The fine print clearly states that we don't cover pre-existing problems. It broke a month after I bought the warranty! After!!! That's not pre-existing! The fine print's fine print clearly states that quantum theory suggests time may flow in both directions.
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-09-05 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-09-05 Pub. Date: 2018-09-05
Image Number: 173881
Caption: .I don't know if I ever tol' you but … I used to cut Mr. T's hair back in the day. I don't brag about it much, but I'm the one who came up with his iconic hairstyle. Oh, he wasn't happy about it at first. But I said to Mr. T … Mr T? What some people call an accident, a wise man would call an opportunity ... Let me look in the mirror for a second. The mirrors are currently out of order.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-05-30 wasn't 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-05-30 Pub. Date: 2018-05-30
Image Number: 171947
Caption: They removed me from the voter rolls too, Lemont. It's called vote caging. Yeah … This sort of thing happens to me all the time. In 2000, they said I couldn't vote because I was a convicted felon. But I wasn't. In 2004, all the voting machines at my precinct mysteriously failed, and then they said the paper ballots had been eaten by wild rabbits. In 2016, they said I was 3/8th of an inch shorter than my driver's license showed. I believe I warned you not to fib about that.
     
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