I'd like to thank you all for coming. I'll be making a brief statement and then taking only a few questions. I'm sure you're all anxious to know why I've called you here today. Zzzz.
Two weeks ago … In other news, a local café manager named "Rudy Park" was hospitalized today … … When dozens of enraged Ukrainian visitors mistook him for their deposed president and pummeled him with fried curd cheese fritters … … A Ukrainian delicacy that for some reason was being sold at the cafe as "revenge fritters." The cafe's owner issued the following statement: "To show my thoughts are with Mr. Yanukovych, the fritter and hospital map combo is now half off."