This is Anderson Cooper, coming to you from my most harrowing assignment yet. I'm inside the dreaming mind of Rudy Park, a regular guy experiencing nighttime delusions of grandeur. Rudy, you just saved your café from hurricane and armed rebels and curried the favor of Jessica Simpson. Kiss me, Jessica, Break to commercial!
I suppose you're wondering why I've summoned you here at 3 a.m., minion. I try not to wonder. After crunching the numbers, I've determined we'd increase profits by being open 24/7. We're in the suburbs. Everyone's asleep. Not true. By being closed at 3a.m., we're missing out on the potentially lucrative Igor the Wino clientele. Go to the alley and give Igor a 1-for-the-price-of-2 coupon. Very bad man.