Boss, does my workers' compensation package cover early onset eye wrinkles? Of course. That's covered, along with gray hair, receding hairline, aches in your joints â€¦ all the usual sign of aging. It's all covered by your workers' compensation. For each affliction, you're supposed to compensate me, your boss, in the amount of $10 per week. I really should've read the fine print on my contract. You didn't? There was a $10 not-reading-the-fine-print clause in there.
I've observed you for the last 15 years. Would you like to know what I've concluded? Sure. You're aging badly. Your hairline has receded by nearly 0.27 inches. Your lateral incisors and cuspids have grown inwardly crooked by 0.3 degrees … You've cultivated a bountiful crop of ear hairs, and your average pore size has increased from 50 microns to 54. It's been a great comfort to me to see that your haggardization is proceeding apace. I don't think I'll ever say "sure" again in life.