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Candorville

Comics about giving up.

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2020-01-22 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2020-01-22 Pub. Date: 2020-01-22
Image Number: 181366
Caption: Yesterday, someone asked me if I wanted to Go for a ride, and I told her it's more accurate to say Go on a ride. Dr. Noodle. I told her On a ride is passive, for use when someone else is giving you the ride. But later, I looked it up and couldn't find such a rule. Am I one of those people who confuse their own personal preferences for rules? I can't stand people like that. I'm pretty sure it's Take a ride. That's only used when you want the ride to sound mysterious.
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-22 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-22 Pub. Date: 2019-12-22
Image Number: 180854
Caption: Big L, you seen a doctor yet 'bout that heart attack you had? I didn't have a heart attack, Clyde. All I had was pain in my arm, between my shoulder blades, in my hest, jaw and upper abdomen. Plus I was dizzy, fatigued and had heartburn. That could've been anything, and anyway, I took care of it myself. I started biking, gave up red meat, etc ... just incase. Anyway, I don't have health insurance. I earn too much for Medicaid ad too little to pay the Obamacare premiums. I got a solution for you, bruh ... Ok ... as long as it doesn't involve identity theft, fake IDs and possible jail time. Hm ... well, then I got a different solution for you ... As long as it doesn't involve sneaking into another country. Well ... then I got a different solution ...
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-11-11 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-11-11 Pub. Date: 2019-11-11
Image Number: 180298
Caption: 1982. You want to be what, Lemont? A Jedi. I'm already practicing. But that's just a movie, Lemont. It's not really real. I think all stories are real. I think writers only think they made them up. I think what's really going on is, the universe is alive. And writers are the universe's way of remembering incidents that really happened. Is this about how Mrs. Drake gave your book report an F? My remembering of the incident is every bit as valid as the author's.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-06 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-06 Pub. Date: 2019-09-06
Image Number: 179298
Caption: I had a horrible day, bruh. 'Member how you gave a speech at a high school the other day? 'Member how you threw up on them kids? I been tryna sell bootleg DVDs of it the past couple of days. Ain't nobody buyin'. E'ry last one of them kids had recorded it an' already posted it to Instagram ... for free! I'm sorry you had such a bad day. Internet be lettin' amateurs run us professionals out of business.
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-01 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-01 Pub. Date: 2019-09-01
Image Number: 179190
Caption: I want you to work on something when you get home, minion. I'm supposed to be able to rest once I've gone home. I've always wanted to have a trademark one-liner, like the heroes of all those old action movies. Like in Cobra. Sylvester Stallone was a rogue cop who told a criminal You're the disease, and I'm the cure. Or like in Total Recall, when Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife turned out to be an evil killer. He eliminated her and then said Consider that a divorce. Or like in They live, when just before he killed a bunch of evil aliens, Rowdy Roddy Piper said "I have come here to chew bubblegum, and kick (butt) ... and I'm al out of bubblegum. Your task tonight is to generate six one-liners I can use whenever I squeeze unpaid work out of my employees. I'm supposed to be able to rest once I've gone home. You're the rest, and I'm the bed. The kind with spikes on it ... See? That's awful. Fix that up and give me sixe more.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-07-28 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-07-28 Pub. Date: 2019-07-28
Image Number: 178668
Caption: You got some money I could hold right quick? My boy Tashif Sheefy McFly Turner got arrested in Detroit, bruh. I don't know, Clyde … What'd they arrest this guy for? He was painting a mural the city hired him to paint. Naturally, the cops arrested him for vandalism. A city official came down an' told the cops what was up. So all of a sudden they arrested him for somethin' else: resisting, obstructing ... havin' a outstanding traffic ticket ... Geez ... All right, I just sent you money. I think it's great you want to bail him out. Boop boop. Bail who out? He been got out weeks ago. Thanks for the money, though, Big L. Give me back my money!
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-22 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-22 Pub. Date: 2019-05-22
Image Number: 177718
Caption: Did you read that new interview with Donald Trump? I did not. Well, it gave me a brilliant idea. I stayed up for a week perfecting it. It's a Trump Generator for interviews. You ask it questions, and it gives you answers that are completely nonsensical gibberish punctuated by words like tremendous. That's going to save the media a lot of time. It's at bigly-answers-for-stupid-fake-questions-dot-com.
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-05 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-05 Pub. Date: 2019-05-05
Image Number: 177448
Caption: What brings you to therapy, Mr. Jollee? My unhappy coworkers. Dr. Noodle. They're the ones with the problem, not me. I'm happy. All of the time. All of the time? Every moment, I greet the world with a smile and with laughter! No matter what's happening! Aaris brought donuts, and I said What a great guy! whenever anyone makes a sale, I lead a cheer! When Andy fell out the window, I shouted Cheer up! There're trees down there! Aim for those! What? The next day, everyone else was moping around, but not me. I put on a smile and said On the bright side, almost all the cactuses are still ok! ... and that's when they sent you to therapy. No, they sent me here after I gave the eulogy.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-04-22 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-04-22 Pub. Date: 2019-04-22
Image Number: 177323
Caption: My cousin Mafalda just got deported. Seriously? Why? What happened? She went to renew her work visa, and they told her forget it. Didn't even give her a reason. But she runs a health clinic. What about all her patients? What about me? I was about to go in and get a checkup. What? You were not. Now I'll have to wait till she goes back to Mexico, files and appeal, comes back and restarts her clinic. Dios mio. Stop coming up with excuses not to go to the doctor.
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-03-23 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-03-23 Pub. Date: 2019-03-23
Image Number: 176840
Caption: I've decided to get Elon Musk to send me for a trip around the moon in two years. I set up a Gofundme page to crowdsource money for it. My goal is to raise ten billion dollars. That shouldn't be too hard, considering there are seven billion people on earth. Non of whom are going to give you a dime. I hope not. That would only come to seven hundred million. Annoyed? How'd you like to send me far away? Here's a link to my Gofundme.
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-02-18 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-02-18 Pub. Date: 2019-02-18
Image Number: 176391
Caption: I don't get annoyed by other people's odd habits. That's good. I mean, take Cheryl, at yoga. She raises her voice at the end of every single sentence as if she's asking a question. Doesn't annoy me at all. And then there's Dale, at work. He always incorrectly uses a semicolon instead of a comma. I never even give it a second thought ... Live and let live, that's my motto. You've counted them, haven't you. He did it 97 times last month alone.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-07 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-07 Pub. Date: 2019-01-07
Image Number: 175736
Caption: What's the best way to ask my boss for a promotion? C-Dog's incredibly bad advice $2. You say you got other options, so she better hook you up right quick or you out the door. That's the same advice you gave me about asking women out. Here's the secret 'bout life: Every relationship be the same relationship.
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-24 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-24 Pub. Date: 2018-12-24
Image Number: 175584
Caption: Hey mister, is Santa Claus real? Sorry, kid … I'm not supposed to talk about it. It's a rule. I'm supposed to tell you you have to ask your parents. It's rule 547,983 in the handbook they give you when you become a grownup. But YOU would know better than them. I know an elf when I see one. Santa Claus is a lie.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-23 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-23 Pub. Date: 2018-12-23
Image Number: 175261
Caption: Online shopping has ruined everything. The mall just laid me off to cut costs. Really? It's going to ruin Christmas. I was the mall Santa. Now where are the tiny kids and babies going to go to sit on a stranger's lap and tell him what they want under their tree? Where are they going to go to hear a man who'll say ho ho ho? Who'll pat them on the head? Who'll tell them to stop begging for handouts? Who'll tell them to stop crying, get a job, and pull themselves up by their own bootstraps? You sure they laid you off because of online shopping? Who's going to give them a copy of The Art of the Deal and send them on their way?
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-12-02 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-12-02 Pub. Date: 2018-12-02
Image Number: 174985
Caption: Big L, you want me to be Santa again for your boy this year? Let me think about that, Clyde … Last year, I woke up to find my two-year-old boy shocking a pigeon with a taser gun. He said Santa gave him the taser, said Don't tell your daddy, and then forgot to shut the window when he climbed down the fire escape. I tried mouth-to-mouth but the pigeon was long gone. I only had to spend nine days in jail for animal cruelty, but my boy was in therapy for four months. Not my fault. I told him to only use it for fishing. No I don't want you to be Santa this year!!!
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-28 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-28 Pub. Date: 2018-10-28
Image Number: 174529
Caption: I hope we never terraform Mars. House of Java Café. Grand Opening. Why not, Randy? Because, if we gave Mars oxygen and air pressure, we wouldn't need space suits. If we gave Mars trees and oceans, it wouldn't be one big desert anymore. There's just something sexy about driving a dune buggy across a desert planet with only half an inch of space helmet separating you from certain death. Also, if we give it a magnetic field, we wouldn't be bombarded by radiation. Ok ... I'll bite ... what's bad about not being bombarded by radiation? Isn't it obvious? When you look at me, little buddy, you're looking at the pinnacle of human evolution. But my line has taken us as far as possible. I come from a long line of Randies. I've traced my lineage all the way back to a romantic primate named Randy Erectus. He was the first hominid to get up off his knuckles and stand up straight, and that as just in response to a beautiful sunset. Imagine what my genes would do in response to a huge dose of radiation? You really should have your own science show.
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-21 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-21 Pub. Date: 2018-10-21
Image Number: 174386
Caption: Ask Sadie. Our resident 90-something-year-old radio pundit Sadie Cohen answers actual reader questions. AS away at asksadieshow@gmail.com (if you're sure you want the answer). Dear Sadie, I have to give a speech. When I stand up in front of people to talk, my palms get sweaty, my stomach hurts, and I suddenly have to use the bathroom, even I didn't eat anything. any advice? - Shy in Scottsdale. Excellent question. It reminds me of the very first time I was supposed to give a big speech. It as May 6, 1937 ... As head of the Ladies Auxiliary of Manchester Township's Dirigible Fan Club, I was to give a rousing welcome to an incoming blimp. As the German airship drifted gently overhead, I picked up the microphone, and ... By the ay, you know what people don't tell you? They don't tell you that it could create a spark when you accidentally whack a microphone on a mental box full of fireworks. I was by no means relieved about not having to give a speech that day. That would be wrong. And it was by no means intentional ... not provably so, anyway. Anyway, what were you asking about, again? How quickly to establish an alibi? Um ... that's ok. I've gotta go. Asksadieshow@gmail.com
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-20 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-20 Pub. Date: 2018-10-20
Image Number: 174496
Caption: Randy, let me ask you a question, man to man … House of Java Café. If a journalist were looking into your activities, would it be manlier to (A) bribe him off the story … What's B? B is have Russian associates deal with him the way they would in Russia. Which letter of the alphabet is come clean and apologize? Oh wait, sorry ... I gave you C. B would be make up dirt about him and destroy his credibility.
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-31 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-31 Pub. Date: 2018-08-31
Image Number: 173792
Caption: Have you tried giving up coffee cold turkey? Once. It was December 25th, 1991. It had rained that morning and dew glistened on the flowers a passerby was carrying. A dog barked seven times. A distant siren wailed for 43 seconds. The ceiling light bulb flickered every 257.9 seconds for seven hours. I take it that day didn't go very well. My dog scratched itself for exactly 5 and a 1/2 minutes before falling asleep.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-08-21 give up 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-08-21 Pub. Date: 2018-08-21
Image Number: 173655
Caption: … So I kept crawling through the air duct, searching for a vent that'd lead me to a refugee in one of the President's baby jails. But every vent led to a different moment in time and space. A different atrocity. Air ducts sprawled and twisted and meandered in every direction. For miles. Maybe farther. My phone had long since died, and so there was no light. I was alone. I was lost. I almost gave up. But then, a whisper from somewhere in the void echoed along the cold metal ducts. t said Be still And listen of the cried of the child. Yeah, right. Since when do tiny kids cry when total strangers rip them from their parents? What? They had to have been coached. Bus.
     
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