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Candorville

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1. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-12-06 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-12-06 Pub. Date: 2019-12-06
Image Number: 180645
Caption: Feudalbanc Massacard, this is Ryan. How may I hinder you? You could tell me why you lowered my credit limit to just below my balance … and then you charged me an over-limit fee. Potomu chto my mozhem. You know Google translate exists now, right, Ryan?
     
2. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-09-29 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-09-29 Pub. Date: 2019-09-29
Image Number: 179616
Caption: I'm tired of working, Randy. One of my ancestors put it best. It was the early days of the Roman Republic. Randius Taylorus Maximus was a soldier in the Roman phalanx. That bored him to death. All the clumsy formations, all the cumbersome gear, all the losing ... so he deserted and joined up with the Spartans. That's where he stopped working for a living, and got to do what he loved. He got to oil up and go into battle half-naked, with nothing but his shield, his sword and his loincloth. Years later, he adventured across the world on the back of Tito, the last living woolly mammoth. That's when he met Buddha, who took credit for Randius' motto: Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life. I just meant I felt like taking a nap.
     
3. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-05-06 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-05-06 Pub. Date: 2019-05-06
Image Number: 177508
Caption: I applied for a Home Depot credit card, Susan. What? Why? You rent. How much Home Depot stuff could you need? Well, when I picked little Lionel up from Toddlerville day care and asked him what he learned today … he said they learned how to barricade the door and hide form an active shooter. This country is sick. Toddlerville told me they didn't have the budget for bulletproof doors, so I figured I'd build them some.
     
4. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2019-01-06 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2019-01-06 Pub. Date: 2019-01-06
Image Number: 175478
Caption: I'm thinking of buying an income property. That's 'cause I'm already paying one mortgage that I barely qualified for, so I didn't think I'd qualify for another. But YouTube videos told me I'm not supposed to get a new mortgage. I'm supposed to get a home equity line of credit, and use that heloc to pay cash for my investment property. A heloc is usually 80% of the equity a homeowner has in the home. And I have lots of equity. What's lots? 20% of what I bought it for. Wait ... didn't you buy your shack for $8,000? I can get a pretty sweet income property in Chernobyl for 80 percent of $8,000. But your heloc wouldn't be 80% of $8,000. It'd be 80% of 10% of $8,000. Yeah. I figured that out. That's why my realtor and I are scoping out underwater caves off the Siberian coast. That's why you wanted to borrow my scuba gear.
     
5. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-10-12 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-10-12 Pub. Date: 2018-10-12
Image Number: 174391
Caption: Dear Lemont Brown, Because we raised your APR, your most recent automatic payment to Feudalbanc Massacard was short by one cent. So we've charged you a $75 late fee. Unless you have as many lobbyists in Congress as Feudalbanc does, there is absolutely nothing you can do other than pay up. To admit defeat, sign here: Lemont Brown.
     
6. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-07-08 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-07-08 Pub. Date: 2018-07-08
Image Number: 172486
Caption: Hello, you've reached Feudalbanc Massacard. This is Ryan. How may I hinder you? Hi Ryan. I'm looking at my statement and I see a $598.210 charge from House of Java Café. I'd like to dispute that charge … No, I don't have a receipt. I only bought a cookie so I could use the bathroom without risking them calling the cops on me ... because I was in a hurry to get into that bathroom, so I didn't have time to wait for a receipt ... What do you mean you can't help me? So what if I don't have a receipt? Think about it Ryan, who would ever spend $598,210 in a cafe?! That's not even humanly possible! ... No, I don't have a sick, perverted coffee bean fetish. Let me talk to your supervisor, Ryan. Ok, hold on, please. (Click) Hello, this is Mohinder. How can I mohinder you? I know it's you, Ryan.
     
7. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2018-02-02 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2018-02-02 Pub. Date: 2018-02-02
Image Number: 167921
Caption: 1980. I don't think I like that Luke Skywalker can fly. What do you mean? Jedi can't fly. That's silly. Then how come he flew up out of that carbonite pit when Vader tried to freezify him? And how come he changed direction while he was falling on Cloud City and flew right into that trash chute? None of that happened. Yes it did! (Sigh) You didn't even notice it 'cause movies always show men doing amazing things. I bet if Princess Leia were to ever fly, men everywhere would get their Underoos all in a bunch over it. You don't give us men enough credit.
     
8. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-09-30 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-09-30 Pub. Date: 2017-09-30
Image Number: 163102
Caption: Dear Lemon Brown: Unfortunately, we at Equifax must inform you that hackers breached our security weeks ago. Your social security number, address, credit history, and pants size may have been compromised. It appears the only personal information of yours that wasn't compromised was your signature. To sign up for our credit monitoring service, please sign here.
     
9. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-08-27 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-08-27 Pub. Date: 2017-08-27
Image Number: 161361
Caption: Excuse me, sir, if it's not too much trouble … Hi, Democrats. What can I get you? Coffee Sandwiches? An explanation. We introduced our bold new plan last month: "A Better Deal," but the progressives still aren't impressed. What more could they ask for? We focus-group tested the heck out of the slogan. It was the least objectionable and least un-inspiring of the bunch! It evokes FDR's "New Deal" and LBJ's "Fair Deal" without over-promising. We don't want to risk over-promising. It even sounded progressive! We mentioned tax credits to retrains workers, a $15 minimum wage (eventually), regulating prescription drug prices, and busting monopolies, maybe. We even said we'd think about forming a committee to consider considering sing-payer health care, among many other more corporate-donor-friendly options that aren't single-payer. And we introduced it with an editorial vowing not to expand government or move our party in one direction or another along the political spectrum. Bold! So why didn't that fire up the progressive base? ... Hello?
     
10. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-06-25 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-06-25 Pub. Date: 2017-06-25
Image Number: 158877
Caption: What brings you to therapy, Rudy? Dr. Noodle. I've been feeling like my whole life is on pause. And I can't find the remote to unpause it. Meanwhile, everyone else's stories are proceeding apace. They're all into the second act already. They've all had plot twists, and hero's journeys, and epic love scenes, and thrilling reversals of fortune ... Meanwhile, I'm still paused on the opening credits because no remote. Why don't you get up off the couch and unpause it manually? You can do that?
     
11. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2017-03-27 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2017-03-27 Pub. Date: 2017-03-27
Image Number: 156197
Caption: Are you still mad at me for not telling you I'm moving to Canada? Well, you don't have to be. I'm not moving. I called every mortgage broker Google knew, and I can't qualify for a mortgage. I'm self-employed. It's a lot harder for self-employed people to get loans. So can we just pretend I never mentioned I was leaving? OK. Glad we got that settled.
     
12. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-10-19 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-10-19 Pub. Date: 2016-10-19
Image Number: 149906
Caption: Hello, journalist, you've reached the campaign of Donald Trump. Vancouver International Airport. If you've criticized Mr. Trump in the past, press "one," you overrated, no-talent hack. Taxi queue. If you've showered him with praise, press "two," you decent, talented credit to your profession. Boop. You've pressed "two." Your interview may now commence ... Hello? This is Trump. "One" and "two" are so close together.
     
13. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-09-24 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-09-24 Pub. Date: 2016-09-24
Image Number: 148766
Caption: Hello, creditor, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown. Paying 30% interest on the bus ticket you helped me buy 20 years ago is more important to me than survival. So I can't come to the phone right now, because I'm busy bundling all my cash to send to you instead of using it to feed my child, pay my rent and keep my lights on. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you when I'm done making money appear out of thin air. Beep.
     
14. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-08-04 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-08-04 Pub. Date: 2016-08-04
Image Number: 146691
Caption: Did you know the bible say charging interest is a sin? So e'rebody that be charging me interest - bankers, payday loans, Massacard … They all gonna burn in the bottomless, fiery pit of damnation for all eternity. You've never even gone near a church, Clyde. That's not important right now.
     
15. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-03-15 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-03-15 Pub. Date: 2016-03-15
Image Number: 140510
Caption: The past couple years, I've been rejected for a mortgage, a car loan, a credit card, a Macy's card, Girl Scout cookies … How is it that identity thieves were just able to open six credit cards in my name, Clyde? Maybe I should get you to teach me how to steal my own identity. (A) I'm offended you assume I know how to do that ... an' (2) here's how you do it ...
     
16. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2016-01-23 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2016-01-23 Pub. Date: 2016-01-23
Image Number: 137949
Caption: Hello, creditor, you've reached the home of Lemont Brown after 8p.m. In case you didn't notice, I retyped the fine print in the credit application you approved. I changed it to "company agrees to pay Mr. Brown twice the amount of his debt if company ever calls him after 8p.m." At the sound of the beep, let me know where to send the bill. Beep. Click!
     
17. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-11-04 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-11-04 Pub. Date: 2015-11-04
Image Number: 134723
Caption: Dear Lemont Brown, Because we raised your APR, your most recent automatic payment to Feudalbanc Massacard was short by one cent. So we've charged you a $75 late fee. Unless you have as many lobbyists in Congress as Feudalbanc does, there is absolutely nothing you can do other than pay up. To admit defeat, sign here: x Lemont Brown.
     
18. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2015-10-30 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2015-10-30 Pub. Date: 2015-10-30
Image Number: 134386
Caption: Dear Lemont Brown, you've been prequalified for a debt consolidation loan from Lendingstone! You're guaranteed a loan of up to the entire amount of your debt! But since you've run up enough debt to need something like this, you're a poor credit risk; so we'll only loan you a tiny fraction of what you need. Sign here to get just enough to free up one of you cards, which you'll then use to run up even more debt. Lemont Brown.
     
19. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-09-25 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-09-25 Pub. Date: 2014-09-25
Image Number: 116764
Caption: My Mac broke down, and I replaced it with a PC, and now I regret it. You should, dawg. Why you didn’t come to me? I coulda hooked you up. I know a guy. He an' I done a lot of business. He coulda set you up with a top-of-the-line system for cheap. Long as you ain't ask too many questions. Would I get a credit for what I'd end up spending on my bail? (A) Don't stereotype, bruh ... an' (2) Yes.
     
20. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2014-09-11 credit 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2014-09-11 Pub. Date: 2014-09-11
Image Number: 116186
Caption: I've never been happier about the fact that I don’t own my own home. Home Depot may have just been targeted by credit-card hackers. If I were a home owner, I'd shop at Home Depot all the time. My credit card info would've been stolen, and identity thieves would have ruined my life. I've got nothing to worry about unless they start hacking TRANSIENTS DEPOT. Whatever makes you feel better, dude.
     
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