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1. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-20 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-20 |
| Image Number: |
179094 |
| Caption: |
Hey, Turbo, it's Lemont. We haven't spoke in decades, and I don't even remember why. Something about me not caring how you felt about stuff, or whatever. Well, actually, no I don't want to let bygones be bygones. I'm writing a memoir, so I'm hoping you can remind me what happened ... Hello?
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2. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-19 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-19 |
| Image Number: |
179093 |
| Caption: |
Hi Mrs. Cass. It's Lemont Brown, your pupil from Baldwin kindergarten class of 1980. I'm writing my memoir, and I'm hoping you can check your records and confirm that I'm remembering an incident from back then correctly. That time I led the class in a rebellion against naptime ... Do your files show that I shouted You have nothing to lose but your blankies? Oh, you don't? ... So I guess you were lying when you said it would go down on my permanent record ... Yes ma'am, I have been waiting 40 years to do that.
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3. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-18 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-18 |
| Image Number: |
178993 |
| Caption: |
Kelly messaged me again. After a year of silence. She sent me a photo of an ice cube tray. No words or anything. Just the photo. Dr. Noodle. How did that make you feel? Like she was trying to tell me something. So I studied the picture for a long time. And then it occurred to me: I'd seen that ice cube tray before! it was mine! In my freshman year of college, she stole it and refused to give it back. I see. What do you think this means? I think it means she still loves me with the same passion she felt for me back then, and that she wants me to drop everything and fly to her and run off with her into the sunset. Sometimes, narcissists will play games just to make sure others are thing about the ... When I asked what it meant, she said That hurts and blocked me!
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4. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-17 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-17 |
| Image Number: |
178999 |
| Caption: |
Garcia, if you need birth-control pills for some medical reason, just tell us and maybe we'll change our minds about including it in your health insurance plan. Seriously? Of course. Tell us exactly what's going on with your lady parts, and then we'll make our decision. Pharmacy. Do you take Massacard?
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5. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-16 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-16 |
| Image Number: |
178998 |
| Caption: |
I demand to appeal this to the other partners, Mr. Fitzhugh. You removing contraceptive coverage from my insurance is unacceptable. You earn six figures, Garcia. You can afford to buy your lady pills on your own. That's not the point. Health insurance is part of my compensation package. This is like you docking my pay. I expect to be paid in full for my hard work. Communist.
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6. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-15 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-15 |
| Image Number: |
178997 |
| Caption: |
Let me get this straight: You have a moral objection to covering birth-control pills, even though it's often prescribed for medical reasons. I shouldn't have to pay so that women can have sex without facing any consequences. But you don't have a problem covering Viagra and vasectomies ... even though Viagra only exists so that men can have sex, and vasectomies only exist so that men can have sex without consequences. That's different. men are supposed to sow their wild oats. Women aren't. Who do you think they're sowing oats with?!
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7. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-14 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-14 |
| Image Number: |
178996 |
| Caption: |
I heard the boss switched out health insurance to a plan that doesn't cover lady pills. That's right, Dick. It doesn’t cover birth-control pills, IUDs or anything. Not true, Ms. Garcia. It still covers, Viagra, Cialis, vasectomies … anything a man desires. Are you gloating? Shake shake sh - Viagra. I wish I could chat, but I have a vasectomy at 2, followed by a vasectomy reversal at 4, and a vasectomy reversal-reversal at 6.
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8. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-13 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-13 |
| Image Number: |
178995 |
| Caption: |
Sir, why did you change my health insurance to a plan that doesn't cover contraceptives? President Trump issues a ruling allowing employers to refuse to cover any procedures that we disagree with either religiously or morally. And you have a moral objection to women controlling their own bodies? I have a moral objection to not saving a few bucks a month. Yayle. CEO of the year 2002.,
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9. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-12 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-12 |
| Image Number: |
178994 |
| Caption: |
… So I replied What do you mean your charging me $90 for my birth-control pills? My insurance covers those. And guess what the pharmacist said, Mr. Fitzhugh. I couldn't begin to guess. He said Apparently your employer switched you to a new plan that doesn't cover sluttiness. Sir, did you say to pretend you have an important call after ten minutes, or after fifteen? Five! Explain.
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10. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-11 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-11 |
| Image Number: |
178906 |
| Caption: |
I'll have a gentle flower chamomile tea. How so I know you're you? Today's special. Latte + 1hr web $12.50. Pardon? The real Uncle Mort always orders espresso. But a month ago, just for laughs, I took a picture of him with Faceapp, that app that show what you'll look like decades older. Then we discovered the app's fine print says you're granting the Russians who made it permission to use your photos for any reason. How do I know you're not a Russian spy surgically altered to look like Uncle Mort? (Words indicating Russian language). I mean, Don't be paranoid. Yeah ... Yeah I guess you're right.
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11. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-10 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-10 |
| Image Number: |
178911 |
| Caption: |
R. Kelly's crisis manager said he wouldn't leave his teenage daughter alone with him, an' then quit. Wait a second … a big PR agency just quit representing one of the private border camps where migrants are being mistreated. Could it be the country's actually growing a conflux? ... I mean, a concave? ... I mean, a conglomerate? The word conscience ain't been used much lately. it'll come to me!!!
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12. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-09 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-09 |
| Image Number: |
178910 |
| Caption: |
I read your one-sided article about the harsh conditions in our cozy camps. Border camps. So a few migrant kids and a few congresspeople told you the detainees were being mistreated. So what? That's just hearsay. Why don't you go see for yourself, and report the way it really is? Huh? Why? Because they won't let journalists in. Lame excuses.
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13. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-08 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-08 |
| Image Number: |
178909 |
| Caption: |
Remember how I said ICE detained that 18-year-old American citizen for nearly a month? He said when they finally let him go, he'd lost over 20 pounds because food was scarce in the camp. Detainees have said the older kids often give their rations to the little ones to keep them from crying because the crying angers the guards. What country is this?! Careful, if they think you don't know, they might come for you.
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14. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-07 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-07 |
| Image Number: |
178908 |
| Caption: |
Then there's Peter Sean Brown, an American citizen with the same name as an immigrant. He had proper ID, but still the government held him for weeks and almost deported him to Jamaica. Then it occurred to me … I've always wanted to travel more. Do you think when my time comes, they'd deport me to Paris if I start speaking with a French accent? Mon dieu.
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15. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-06 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-06 |
| Image Number: |
178907 |
| Caption: |
ICE and border patrol are really detaining Americans? Even American children. Back in March, they detained nin-year-old Julia Medina for 36 hours and interrogated her without her parents. She's an American who lives in Tijuana, and she had her passport. They tried to get her 14-year-old brother to say she was his cousin. What? Why? I asked them then they asked me for my passport. So I panicked and jumped into a passing freight train ... But I'll make a follow-up call tomorrow.
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16. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-05 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-05 |
| Image Number: |
178904 |
| Caption: |
Did you know ICE and border patrol are detaining American citizens now? So far it's just a few. They detained 18-year-old Francisco Erwin Galicia for almost a month … even though he showed his state ID and his social security card. His mom showed them his birth certificate proving he was born in Dallas. But they still wouldn't release him ... not until the Dallas morning news reported on it. I still agree with the readers who said it was crude for you to title your article The Press is the Enema of the People.
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17. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-04 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-04 |
| Image Number: |
178780 |
| Caption: |
Triple espresso, please. No caffeine for you, Uncle Mort. Doctor's orders. I thought you might say that. That's why I brought along my doctor. He can attest that I'm perfectly healthy and can tolerate vast quantities of caffeine. Mortimer Park is perfectly healthy and can tolerate vast quantities of caffeine. His bones are strong, his blood pressure is dandy, and he's got the pancreas of a man half his age. Give my patient a quadruple espresso, stat!!! You're a great ventriloquist, but your aim is lousy.
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18. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-03 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-03 |
| Image Number: |
178786 |
| Caption: |
If there's one good thing I can say about Donald Trump, it's that he really knows how to nickname people. He stole that from me, though. I've been nicknaming my rivals since Kindergarten. There was a kid who challenged my authority over the sandbox. I turned him into Loser Larry. There was a kid who challenged my grip on the Sugar Straw Pipeline. I turned him into Dodo Douglas. There was a presidential candidate who stole my shtick. I turned him into Dopey Donald. I've still got it.
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19. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-02 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-02 |
| Image Number: |
178785 |
| Caption: |
Let me ask you a man-to-man question, Randy, asterisk. Shoot. Let's say you wake up, you look in the mirror, and you notice your first gray hair. Would it be manlier to immediately pluck it out and pretend it never happened, or would it be manlier to tell yourself it's actually blond? Armstrong, avoiding the truth is never manl ... wait ... asterisk? (Asterisk) By answering my question you enter into a binding nondisclosure agreement.
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20. |
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| Cartoonist(s): |
Darrin Bell |
| Comic/Cartoon: |
Candorville |
| Viewable Date: |
2019-08-01 |
Pub. Date: |
2019-08-01 |
| Image Number: |
178784 |
| Caption: |
You're on Ask Sadie. What's your problem?! Brexit. I'm old enough to remember before the European Union existed. I witnesses its creation. It was historic. But now it's falling apart and if it does, well then what I witnessed wasn't all that historic after all. Way to make it all about you. It's like it was all just one big tease.
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