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Candorville

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21. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-05-31 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-05-31 Pub. Date: 2011-05-31
Image Number: 61585
Caption: So the judge says DNA testing my son is out of 'cause it violates Roxanne's religion. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the judge being Roxanne's mom. That's the bad news. I saved the good news for last. What's that? Mommy says you're getting railroaded! That does not mean what you think it means. I got us matching outfits.
     
22. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-05-30 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-05-30 Pub. Date: 2011-05-30
Image Number: 61584
Caption: The judge denied our request for a DNA test, so there's no way to prove Lionel is your son. What? Why?! Roxanne claimed it violated her religion. She says she's a Teteoinnan … … and that their ancient Aztec scriptures dictate only the MOTHER GODDESS can examine our DNA under electron microscopes. People are always reading scripture however the #$%* they want to.
     
23. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-05-20 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-05-20 Pub. Date: 2011-05-20
Image Number: 61000
Caption: Roxanne says she's never even HEARD of you? Custody battles can be vicious. I thought I was ready for anything. Like her saying you're poor, inadequate, slovenly … a little bit fat, or -- YES, like that. But then we didn't know what to do, so the judge declared a recess. I'm always prepared for this eventuality. Batman or Boba Fett? What's your poison?
     
24. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-05-06 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-05-06 Pub. Date: 2011-05-06
Image Number: 60511
Caption: Don't worry, Lemont. I'm prepared for whatever your evil ex's lawyer says. The can call you neglectful, say you're abusive, a terrorist, poor, inadequate and slovenly. And a little fat around -- I GET IT! But I'm prepared for anything! I've got rebuttals! I've got expert testimony! I've got -- Your honor, Ms. Dubois has never even heard of this man before. ... I've got poopy pants. Me too.
     
25. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-05-05 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-05-05 Pub. Date: 2011-05-05
Image Number: 60510
Caption: Does the petitioner have anything to add, before I hear from opposing counsel? No, your honor, I think we can safely say "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED." What's wrong? That phrase … It's … oh, never mind. I guess it's before your time. Carry on. I say to opposing counsel ... No! Don't say "br.. BRING IT ON!!!
     
26. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-05-04 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-05-04 Pub. Date: 2011-05-04
Image Number: 60509
Caption: Your honor, I'd like to call character witnesses that'll attest to Lemont Brown's fitness as a parent. Later, counsel, first the court wishes to hear opening statements from my daughter's -- I mean, from the RESPONDENT'S lawyer. That's good, 'cause I couldn't find anybody who liked you enough to actually show up. ... Oh, did I say that out loud? Yes.
     
27. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-05-03 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-05-03 Pub. Date: 2011-05-03
Image Number: 60508
Caption: The court trusts that counsel hath recovered from the chicken pox? I hath, your honor. "Hath"? Little known fact: I created - I mean, HAD - the chicken pox once, myself. So counsel has the court's sympathies. HOW old did you say this judge is? It is - I mean, in simpler times it was BELIEVED to be - a curse inflicted on disobedient children through the clever use of sophisticated black magic ... Ancient. Like you but even worse. ... And of course, chickens.
     
28. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-05-02 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-05-02 Pub. Date: 2011-05-02
Image Number: 60507
Caption: "So glad you could join us, Mr. Brown" was a sarcastic reference to the fact that I sent you to retrieve your lawyer last night, and you never returned. Have you anything to say for yourself, Mr. Brown? Please don't tell anyone Mommy leaves me home alone while she works. The would take me away from her. I ... got lost, your honor. The court is not in the habit of awarding custody to the directionally challenged.
     
29. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-04-13 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-04-13 Pub. Date: 2011-04-13
Image Number: 59638
Caption: I can't open the door, Lemont. Mommy said never to open the door for grown-ups when she's not here. That's it! I can't stand it! I'm never getting custody of m son! Life is a cruel joke! My evil ex's mother is the judge! My lawyer is a six-year-old brat with chicken pox! Go to your room, young man. Huh? That's what Mommy always says when I throw a tantrum. Surprisingly it works. To Hell ... o Kitty ... with you! You can also try sitting in the corner.
     
30. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-04-12 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-04-12 Pub. Date: 2011-04-12
Image Number: 59637
Caption: By order of the judge, Lemont attempts to produce his six-year-old lawyer, so Lemont's custody case may continue. Open the door, Billy. I know you're in there. AM NOT! Knock knock knock. Billy, it's me, Lemont. Your client. Are you sure you're not child protective services? Are you sure you're not here to take me away from Mommy just because she's always away working three jobs and I don't ever make my bed or put my toys away? Yes, Billy, I'm sure. SHE WARNED ME YOU'D SAY THAT!!!
     
31. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-04-11 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-04-11 Pub. Date: 2011-04-11
Image Number: 59636
Caption: Hello, this is Mrs. Meeks. Little Billy? Is that you? Where are you? Our two-week continuance is over. Your chicken pox should be all gone. I know you're only six, but … you're my lawyer and I need you. Little Billy - who is my son - is very sick. But all you have to do is ask the judge for a time out. It'll help if you offer her half your Twinkie. BILLY, WHAT THE ... MUPPET ... IS GOING ON?! My name isn't Billy, my name is Mommy.
     
32. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-03-28 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-03-28 Pub. Date: 2011-03-28
Image Number: 59012
Caption: Facebook. Messages. From Sasha Mitchell. Hi, Lemont, I know you're not there 'cause you're at your custody hearing. But I want you to come home to this message: I know you're worried you'll lose, but … You're a good man, Lemont, and I have faith in you. Besides, there's a sign: Your lawyer, who had no faith in your case, disappeared. And his six-year-old nephew took over, and you say he's doing a surprisingly good job. Nothing is so persuasive as the heartfelt words of an innocent child. His taking over your case was a sign, Lemont. And signs are important. Nah, I'm here. Had to get a 2-week continuance. My lawyer has the chicken pox. Signs are overrated. Tap tap tap tap tap.
     
33. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-03-15 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-03-15 Pub. Date: 2011-03-15
Image Number: 58577
Caption: Clyde … sure, you're a thug, and you make awful decisions. But you're also the only friend I have who's actually met Roxanne. The judge said my lawyer and I can't say anything bad about her in the custody hearing. But maybe as a witness, YOU could slip in some really underhanded, mean comments about her ... ... just to contrast the part where you talk about how ethical I am. That reasoning appeals to me. It does? Never mind, then.
     
34. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-03-08 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-03-08 Pub. Date: 2011-03-08
Image Number: 58314
Caption: So, Lemont, how's your case going? Does the attorney for the plaintiff have anything else to add? No, but I have… Yes. You really shouldn't keep calling me "plaintiff," your honor. The correct term in this situation is "petitioner." Pretty sure my grasp of the law is winning the judge over.
     
35. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-02-23 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-02-23 Pub. Date: 2011-02-23
Image Number: 57544
Caption: Even as a child, my client demonstrated the sort of loyalty that makes him a great father. His best friend was a small thug named Clyde. Rather than abandon Clyde, Lemont stuck by him for life! Influencing him! Helping to shape him into a better person! Where is this Clyde now? In that alley over that way, selling hubcaps out of his trench coat. But that's beside the point.
     
36. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-02-22 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-02-22 Pub. Date: 2011-02-22
Image Number: 57543
Caption: Your honor, to know why you should award my client 50/50 shared custody of his son, it's important that you know my client. Lemont Brown was born at a very young age … It was the olden days, before the internet, the cell phone … even before Justin Bieber. Lemont's own father abandoned him when he was but a toddler! ... Leaving him with no father figure other than the flickering image of Bill Cosby he saw on his poor mother's tiny 13-inch black and white TV, powered by vacuum tubes and water wheels. Thus was born Mr. Brown's irresistible craving to one day become an amazing father ... and his equally strong craving for Jell-O pudding pops.
     
37. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-02-21 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-02-21 Pub. Date: 2011-02-21
Image Number: 57542
Caption: Will the attorney for the plaintiff please state your case? Your Excellency, my client, Mr. Brown, requests - nay, DEMANDS - joint custody of his son Lionel. We will demonstrate that he is financially and emotionally prepared to care for his child. He has no history of violence or abuse. And he has absolutely no convictions. Whisper whisper whisper. No CRIMINAL convictions. ... What did I say?
     
38. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-02-11 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-02-11 Pub. Date: 2011-02-11
Image Number: 57042
Caption: Your honor, I represent Roxanne Dubois. Unlike her opponent, Lemont Brown … We will not insult the court's intelligence or waste its time with patronizing opening statements. The merits of our case will be obvious enough. They're crazy. Crazy like a FOX! ... or incompetent. Incompetent like a FOX!
     
39. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-02-10 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-02-10 Pub. Date: 2011-02-10
Image Number: 57041
Caption: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury … There is no jury, counselor; this is a custody hearing. At the end of this trial, not only will my client be found "super-cool" … … but, ladies and gentlemen, I will find THE REAL KILLER! … AND THERE HE SITS! The NEVER shoulda let you watch Law & Order.
     
40. Comic Strip Darrin Bell  Candorville 2011-02-09 attorney 
Cartoonist(s): Darrin Bell
Comic/Cartoon: Candorville
Viewable Date: 2011-02-09 Pub. Date: 2011-02-09
Image Number: 57040
Caption: Your honor, I'd like to renew my request that you allow me time to find a new lawyer. This is not the lawyer I hired. It's his six-year-old nephew Billy. My real lawyer is missing. At least let me find HIM. He left some weird message on my voicemail about being held in some dungeon. I couldn't hear the address, 'cuase reception was bad. Your honor, we would like to change our plea to "guilty by reason of insanity." This is a custody case, counselor.
     
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